I’ve struggled with blogging about my depression because I doubt it has very little to do with my gastric bypass, since it’s something that I’ve always dealt with. The last thing I want is for people to think this is some sort of cry for help since I am working on it and I feel like it’s getting better. I figure if there’s at least one person that identifies and feels less alone in their own struggle than it’s worth shedding some light on. So I am going to try and channel the braveness of The Bloggess and talk about the black hole I feel like I’m in (if you have never read Jenny Lawson’s stuff she is hilarious check out her blog after this post). It’s going to be pretty long so buckle up.
Most people have no idea that this is something that I have struggled with my whole life, so this post is likely to come as a shock to a lot of people. I wear a very convincing mask that all is well in my pretty little head, but their are periods where it’s a dark and lonely place. It’s been 10 years since my depression has been bad enough where I would say I it’s dramatically effecting my life. Through out middle school and high school I made several attempts on my life and it’s a good thing that my parents kept the guns in the house locked up tight or I probably wouldn’t be here today. I was raised in a family where it wasn’t really okay to talk about your feelings, or if you did they were just kind of dismissed and you were told to just get over it, or suck it up. I don’t blame my parents for this, having grown up in large families on farms I feel like they themselves probably didn’t get a lot of attention or nurturing from their parents. However if someone observes our family for long enough you will certainly notice this dynamic. We are very close and would do anything for each other, but we aren’t very affectionate towards one another.
My hair dresser actually pointed this out the other day. She was like “you and your sister aren’t very touchy feely, like I don’t think I have ever seen you guys hug.” I thought about it and had to explain to her that it’s like that with my whole family. I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged or told (or was told) I love you by someone in my immediate family in the last 3 years. I hug my friends hello and goodbye every time I see them. In fact I am such a hugger that I hug people the first time I meet them 98% of the time. I have a handful of friends whom I tell I love them every time I get off the phone with them or we part ways. It’s not that we don’t love one another but I feel like no one knows how to deal with or express emotion. For example my father thought it was perfectly acceptable to tell me via text message of my grand father and grand mothers passing. When he text me to tell me of his mothers passing HE DID IT FROM THE FLOOR BELOW ME!!! To top it off I never saw him express any emotion even though he was close with his mother and I knew he was hurting from what my mom told me.
If it wasn’t for a very loving counselor in high school who was also a yoga instructor I would have never learned how to deal with my depression and anxiety. She was the one who built the foundation for me to be very independent because she taught me how to navigate my way out of the black hole. However with these tools it reinforced my intense need to just deal with shit and not let people in, and to fix it before anyone knew it was broken to begin with. When you start to feel very alone this can be a dangerous things.
While my depression seemed to have gone away with the exceptions of a few short (a couple of days to a couple of weeks) visits in the last 10 years my anxiety hasn’t gone anywhere. Back in October or so I spoke about how I finally had to be medicated because it was too much to fix with yoga and breathing. I went off the meds when I lost my health insurance and while my anxiety remained elevated it was manageable.
Then all of a sudden in New York City my depression sucker punched me in the face harder than I have experienced in a very long time. I found myself in the middle of one of my favorite cities feeling alone, depressed, and insignificant. I am typically someone who gives zero fucks about what you think about me. I know I am talented, kind, generous, beautiful, and hard working and I don’t need your validation. However I felt like I was right back in middle school. Up until I started pole I never had girlfriends because I was always really picked on by girls. I don’t know why but they feel threatened by me and thus feel like the need to break me down. I wasn’t expecting to make best friends with anyone on this trip by any means. What I wasn’t expecting however was to be treated as if I wasn’t even there and to be talked down to for no reason. At one point we were sitting in the lobby and I tried to ask one of these heartless girls where we were going first this morning and she completely ignored me as if I wasn’t even there. Even if did feel excluded it shouldn’t have mattered I was staying in a nice hotel on week one of a two week vacation (with the other week being at a luxury hotel on a tropical island).
Then I come back only to find out that they were talking tons of shit about me (despite me having very minimal interaction with them the whole time) saying I shouldn’t have been allowed to go on the trip because I was only in my second quarter, and should have had photo history one and two etc..blah blah blah. The thing that really pissed me off is that they ran around telling everyone that the group was constantly waiting on me which couldn’t have been further from the truth. With the exception of one morning where I forgot my metro card in my coat I was walking at the front of the group every time and was always one of the first people in the lobby when we would meet to leave. The morning they had to wait for me wasn’t even my fault. My professor held everyone up even though I begged for him to just go ahead without me and I would meet them there because I knew that these two girls were probably going to bitch and treat me even worse.
For some reason this unleashed the circus that is my depression and it’s been hard and intense since. To give you a glimpse of what my depression would sound like if it could talk I give you the following script. Please keep in mind that I am non-violent and feel bad hooking worm when fishing so when I use the word kill I don’t mean it. Honestly when I get really pissed at someone and I don’t want to say something bitchy I just imagine them exploding into glitter and confetti and it helps. So when I say kill I mean explode like a glitter bomb.
Depression: You want cookies
Depression: You want to fuck
Depression: You want to fuck while eating cookies
Depression: Let’s be sad about trivial things, shall we?
Depression: Everyone hates you
Depression: Kill them.
Depression: Kill them too.
Depression: Kill them and eat their cookies.
Depression: Shhh it’s okay you’ll feel better soon.
Depression: HAHAHAHAHA NO YOU WON’T FUCK YOU.
Depression: Whoops you drooped a spoon better cry
So after 9 weeks of this constant inner monologue, nothing but school work without seeing any of my friends, and financial struggle it all became too much. I did something stupid I promised myself I would never do again and I made an attempt at my life. Just as it was with any of the past attempts, it’s not that you want to die but you don’t know how else to make the pain stop, because in reality nothing is really wrong. It took a friend to shake some sense into me and let me bawl on their chest to realize how silly I was being for letting my depression take so much power from me.
I joke around about being a machine because most of the time I walk around unphased by the things that happen to me. No matter what I show up with a smile an produce. I also feel like a robot because I am not very good at expressing or receiving affection and emotions. Right now If you tell me you love and that you need me I am likely to bawl like a baby not because I didn’t know it but because when I get like this I forget that there are people who give a fuck out there and that I am not alone.
Things have been much better mentally even though I have barely been able to pull myself out of bed and isolation the last couple of weeks. I think a lot of the intensity around this round of depression was based off my work load. I apologize to any of my friends who have felt neglected by me in the last few month in the result of my black hole. Thanks for baring with me as I try to get through this. Since nothing is truly wrong it’s hard to know if my depression is a result of the rapid weight loss. Your hormones do go out of whack so it’s impossible to rule it out. However if you or someone you know is struggling with depression and you don’t feel like you have someone to talk to please visit the following page for a list of people whom you can talk to for free.
I better wrap this. The whole point to this rant is that you don’t always know what going on behind someones smile, and just because it seems like it’s all rainbows and sunshine they might actually be drowning under a black cloud. Play nice with one another kids, and hug everyone because you never know who might need it.