I must say that this week has been going better than last. It’s amazing what the addition of protein drinks and soup will do for your spirit and keeping you from feeling like a feather could knock you over.
Things have not been easy as far as dizziness goes. Sunday I was going stir crazy and figured I could handle going to get a pedicure with my sister and then to the store to pick up some soup and other things I could have on the full liquid diet. It took so long at the nail salon that I wasn’t feeling so hot by the time we left. I ended up telling my sister that if she didn’t need anything from the store that we could just skip it. She took me home and my dad was out back and couldn’t hear me ringing the door bell. By the time he came in from out back and let me in I was so close to passing out that I was dripping sweat and ready to pass out.
I had all of the following soups this week which I poured through a mesh strainer and through away the tasty morsels. Monday the first thing I tried was Cream of Potato Soup and it was heaven. I ate it really slow and savored every bite. The other soups I have tried and is a chicken and cheese enchilada flavored soup by Progresso. It’s one of their light soups and it is amazing and full of flavor. It completely cured my craving for Mexican food. I also tried Campbell’s Creamy Poblano and Queso Soup. That one sat well earlier today when I had it but boy did it put me in a world of hurt tonight. Warning slightly TMI ahead.
About 40 minutes after I ate it I was getting ready to get in the shower. I sat down to pee and as I am trying to find a Pandora station to listen to I notice that I am starting to feel really hot and nauseated. My vision started going blurry and it felt like I might pass out. I thought I was going to vomit so I grabbed the trashcan, I didn’t puke but I spit up this foam and then dry heaved for a few minutes. After I felt fine but noticed I was literally soaked in sweat. Needless to say I was curing that stupid soup as I felt like I was going to kill over.
I ordered a bunch of protein food from Bariatric Choice today. I wont be able to have any of it until I get to the solid food stage but I am sure I will be happy to have it. I had ordered a sample pack from Celebrate Vitamins,. I have been taking those since they sent me a number of chewable ones. I have to say I am very impressed with the flavors they offer. Tonight I tried their Chocolate Fudge Calcet Creamy Bites and those things were freaking tasty. I emailed to see if I could have them added to the order I placed today.
I had called last week to make my follow up appointment for my 2 week appointment and since Dr. Brown is going to be out of the office starting today through next week they weren’t able to get me in until August 6th. The only problem with that is that we need him to clear me to be able to go back to work. I certainly don’t feel like I will be ready to go back on Monday since I still can’t sit for extened periods and am easily exhausted since I am not getting many calories, but I didn’t think it would take the whole week. Although with the way I responded to the soup tonight I am glad I will be home during the pureed stage because I don’t want to come out of the bathroom looking like I fell in the toilet because I got all hot and sweaty from something not sitting well.
Well my babies I am home, and on the road to recovery but let’s take things in order. I just want to say before I dive into this post that I appreciate and am touched by every single well wish, prayer and kind word sent my way. I read from a lot of fellow patients how un-supportive people can be of this procedure and I have been lucky not to experience any of that thus far.
I woke up at 5am on Monday to get in the shower and get ready to head out to the hospital. I didn’t sleep well at all because of the liquid diet, I was up having to pee every 45 minutes because I decided to chug water and broth at 11 PM since I wasn’t allowed anything after midnight. I went ahead and weighed myself and on the last day of the liquid diet I had lost another 3.8 pounds so my weight day of surgery was 292.8.
My parents and I arrived at the hospital at 7:05am and my sister meet us there shortly there after. It took a while for the pre-pre-op nurse to come get me we got to jam out to 90’s hip hop/rb that was coming from the hallway. The RN instructed my family to give us about 15 minutes while I got changed and he got me prepped. He weighed me, gave me two different sized gowns to pick from (I opted for the larger one without even trying the smaller one because I wanted to be sure there wasn’t any sort of gap in the back lol) and some cozy grippy slipper socks. After I changed he had me pee in a cup to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. When I got back from the bathroom my family was waiting for me and got to stay while he inserted my IV, they did my EKG, blood work, and Heparin injection. The Heparin injection wasn’t nearly as bad as I had been anticipating although it did bruise a little. They put circulation cuffs on my calves and then we waited for Dr. Brown to call to say he was ready for me to be brought up to Pre-Op.
Once we were in pre-op I could only have one person go back with me and since I figured my Mom would probably be a nervous wreck and I didn’t want to cry I opted to take my sister back with me since she’s a nurse and has a much better poker face. Dr Brown came by to see if we had any questions, as well as my OR nurse, the physicians assistant, and then finally my anesthesiologist. He asked me a series of questions and when I said yes to I get really bad motion sickness he gave me some sort of patch behind my ear to help. After that it was time to head back to the OR.
The OR nurse wheeled me back to the operating room and I noticed their were a ton of people in there prepping stuff and that I was freezing so they put a warm blanket on me and pulled me onto the operating table. As they were untying the knots on my gown I heard the anesthesiologist tell me I am going to give you something to make you sleepy. The last things I remember after that was asking them if they listen to music while the operate, and they said Dr. Brown and been listing to Van Morrison on Pandora (to witch I replied I can live with a little Van) I took one last look at the clock as the put the gas mask over my face to see that it was 10:29 and then I slipped into the Mystic.
I had anything but a gentle awakening in recovery. I anticipated this as I don’t handle anesthesia well. I was hot, in pain, had to vomit, and was very agitated. All I remember about the first few minutes being awake was being pissed that I had to vomit and no one was handing me something to get sick into and as I was throwing up either a nurse or the anesthesiologist saying we started your anti nausea meds before you woke up. They weren’t able to do the On-Que pain pump like the wanted to and it turned out they had to do an extra incision because they couldn’t see my intestines from where they went in. I protested the Dilaudid they wanted to give me since the last time I had it I vomited and the nurse was like I don’t know what else we can give you then to which I replied “do what you have to do”. By that point I had kicked off all my blankets and was still hot (not running a fever I just felt hot) so they put a cold wash cloth on my head. The Dilaudid did the trick because after that I was out and woke up an hour or so later to them telling me my room was ready.
Once I got to my room I felt great (this was close to 5pm I think). I sat up chatting with my family and got ice chips. They stuck around until 6:30 pm. I didn’t have any pain or nausea once I got out of recovery. They had started me on one of those patient controlled pain drips of Fentanyl and I just made sure I hit that button every so often. At 7pm my night nurse came by and at about 9:30 it was time to walk around the unit before bed. It wasn’t until I was walking around that night that noticed I should have took my nurses advice on wearing the smaller gown. The gown I put on was so big that it was touching the ground and I could have hid two dwarfs under it without anyone seeing. I guess I could have went smaller but at least my ass wasn’t hanging out.
The next day went just as easily I told my parents to save themselves the trip since I was doing fine and probably would nap on and off all day. I was expecting visitors that evening so it’s not as if I was going to be lonely. My nurse took out my catheter and started me on Norco pills so we could ween off of the Fentanyl drip. After I got my catheter out I did about 7 laps around the unit and continued to do laps every time I had to pee. By the evening they had taken me off everything I was hooked to and I was able to shower and then sleep much more comfortably Tuesday night. My friends that came by couldn’t believe how good I looked and was moving around they were like it’s as if you haven’t had anything done.
I woke up Wednesday morning to Dr Browns smiling face asking me if I was ready to go home today which I was. My parents arrived at about 10 am and they were shocked to see me up and brushing my teeth. We came home I napped for a handful of hours and then had another visitor before it was time to get ready for bed.
Thursday was not such a walk in the park however. I woke up around 7 feeling very nauseated and dizzy and decided I was done with the pain killers. I woke up and had some broth and jell-o and then spent the rest of the day sleeping. Anytime I got up I felt dizzy and like I might vomit. My sister came by last night to check on me and took my blood pressure and said everything was ok. I drank a cup of broth over the course of about 40 – 60 minutes and then got in the shower. The fainting feeling was so bad by the time I got out of the shower that I couldn’t decided if I should go to the ER or not. I decided to just go to sleep and see how I felt the next time I got up.
Maybe I was detoxing off the narcotics yesterday but I feel much better today. I still feel a little week and off balance when I get up to walk around but I am actually able to stay awake today where yesterday I could barely stay up long enough to get some water down. I don’t really have much pain except for a little slight pain around my incisions if I sit straight up for too long. Speaking of incisions want to see them? If you don’t close your eyes and scroll down fat and bruising ahead.
Please excuse my lack of belly button in the pick I had to sit up slightly to take this as I was laying down when I did it. I know the bruising looks awful but it’s doesn’t hurt I just bruise kind of easily. I also feel like bruises turn crazy colors about 4 days out. The only one I can feel is that center one that’s a lovely shade of yellow and blue.
I have now officially been on liquids for a week and I can’t tell you how forward I am looking to full liquids where I will finally get something more than broth, sugar free juice, Jell-O and Popsicles. On full liquids we can have soups and anything that can go through a strainer. Last night I had a dream about being on yacht and we free-ed sea turtle and these massive sting rays and we had a party to celebrate. At the celebration in the dream I was chewing on nut mix, and key lime pie and spitting it out lol so needless to say I am ready for something with more flavor. I haven’t gotten on a scale since Monday since it takes at least week or so for all the fluids and gas they pump you full of at the hospital to get out of your system.
Well that’s it for now. It’s back to my full time job of consuming liquids one ounce at a time and to schedule my follow up appointment with Dr. Brown.
The bewitching hour is steadily approaching. I am as prepared as I am going to get and now it’s all up to Dr. Brown and his team to get me to the next phase.
Last night I had a dream that I forgot I was on the liquid diet and blew it by eating several cheese sticks, smart popcorn, and fruit snacks. I woke up in a panic only to come to my senses that I had not in fact eaten an entire pack of cheese.
I spent the day washing all my bedding and taking before pics. I waited entirely too long to go pick up more broth from the grocery store and hadn’t drank nearly enough juice which resulted in me nearly fainting in Kings Supers. I came home and chugged two cups of broth and some juice and felt much better after that.
Speaking of before pics avert you eyes if you don’t want to see a picture of me à la the biggest loser (in my bra and bike shorts). This morning I weighed in at 296.6.
I spent the afternoon/ evening hanging out with my BFF and then packing for my stay at the hospital. Here’s what I am bringing:
The guide for what to bring said to bring basic toiletries and that we could bring clothes as patients prefer their own. I am bringing: A black tube top tunic and a blue and grey baseball tee I opted for dark just in case my incisions leak. Black bicycle shorts, A Hanes Cozy bra for a little support, lotion, chapstick, travel tooth brush, tooth paste, glasses cleaner and cloth, Gas-X strips, dry shampoo, brush, face lotion, facial cleansing wipes, pads (because you never know with PCOS), headphones, my charger, and my phone.
I have to sleep with a pod cast or tv on so the headphones are for just in case they won’t let me leave the TV on. Speaking of sleep I should try to get some. Goodnight everyone and stay tuned for updates!
Well kids the time is quickly approaching. I hope everything post op goes as easily, and quickly as the process leading up to this.
I am almost finished with the second day of the liquid diet. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, although I might be singing a different song tomorrow. My stomach finally stopped growling at me around 6pm last night when it got the hint that it wasn’t getting real food anytime soon. The only thing I am interested in off the allowed items list is low sodium chicken broth, sugar free Jell-o, diet Ocean Spray juices, and the sugar free popsicles.
Perhaps I’m so hungry at the moment because I haven’t had as much today as I did yesterday. I am just sick of having to pee every three seconds so it’s kept me from drinking as much today. Yesterday I drank a whole bottle of juice, almost a whole carton of broth, at least 40 ounces of water, and 12 sugar free Jell-o cups. Today all I had was 3/4 of a carton of broth, a 1/4 of a bottle of juice, 4 Jell-O cups and then like half a bowl of sugar free orange Jell-O, and about 52 ounces of water.
My stomach just growls at me in protest after I “eat” the jiggly water like bitch this is not food! I am just so grateful that I only have to do this for 3 days and not 2 weeks pre-op like a lot of surgeons require.
Last night after work I drove to Ft. Collins to visit the Screamin Peach for a wax since I figured hair removal for a week or two post-op might be tricky or painful.
They had a giant version of this in the waxing room, it makes me far too happy.
I wasn’t craving anything bad all day until I got there. The wax smelled like brownie batter, and then all I could think about was how tasty a brownie would be.
Afterword I drove to Denver to hang out with some friends and we went out to the bars. I was surprised at how well I did without anything to drink considering how packed it was where we were. It’s not as if I drink much but I do enjoy a cocktail or two however I didn’t mind sipping on water all night.
Today all day long all I have wanted was cheese and fruit. My dad had a bag of smart popcorn and all I wanted to do was to suck the cheese off a piece but I resisted.
I had not been eating super well up to the liquid diet so I gained about 8 pounds and ended up at 301 when I stepped on the scale Friday morning. I actually wasn’t eating horribly minus the ice cream I had every night for the last month.
This morning when I stepped on the scale it said 298.6. I’ll take a 2.4 loss in a day. Here’s to hoping that I will never see 300+ pounds on a scale again.
Well I think sleep is going to win over hunger at the moment because I can’t stop yawning. Tomorrow I plan on drinking as much juice and broth as I can get in all day long in the hopes of controlling the hunger between midnight and 9 am when I go under.
Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!!!!! I just got a voice mail from my surgeons office saying I have been approved!!!!! I was really expecting for them to come back and say that Cigna was going to want something else.
When I got back from Sint Maarten I had a 3 day old voicemail from my surgeons office saying they needed to talk to me. When I called them back they said that all the Cigna patients they had submitted recently that had been told they only needed three months of classes had been denied. Cigna came back on all of their patients and said they needed a 4th month of classes and that they wanted me to get one more class in before we sent it off the request just in case. I only had a couple of days before we needed to submit my paperwork but we made it work.
Well it’s official July 14th at 7:30 am my life will change forever. Pending of course that my work doesn’t decide that we are going to be too busy for me to be out. I scheduled it for when they said would work but now they are concerned about how coverage since it’s around our busy season.
Every time I look at my countdown I get excited and then my stomach turns in anticipation of certain things. It’s similar to the feeling you get before you ride a new roller coaster for the first time, your excited and terrified all at the same time. I got a letter from Cigna yesterday saying they received my surgeons request, and they now need my file to determine the necessity of an inpatient procedure. Now we wait (some more).
The closer I get the harder the fear kicks in, and the harder it is to put it to the back of my mind. To everyone I have not seen lately I am sorry but my anxiety surrounding this procedure has caused my social anxiety to kick into overdrive. Not to mention that I am having some body image issues which have made it all but impossible to get into the studio and dance. It’s strange to not have body issues your whole life, then all of a sudden be afraid of mirrors but it seems like since I have made the decision to go under the knife mirrors have not been my friend. I have become painfully aware of how much larger I am than the rest of my fellow dancers and instead of coming out of class feeling alive, I would just leave wanting to cry after an hour of being able to see them and myself in the same reflection. I am hoping this is something that will fade soon because I miss my Vertical Fusion family more than words can express.
Last night I joined a Facebook support group for Gastric Bypass patients. It will be nice to have a community of people whom have been through this process to seek advice from since I don’t know anyone who has had a bariatric procedure. My surgeon offers them but they are during the week days when I can’t make it.
One of the things I have been most afraid of is what will happen to all my beautiful ink if I ended up reaching my goal of a 150 pound loss? None of the bloggers I follow are heavily tattooed and large portions of my body are covered. Luckily a number of people in this group are heavily tattooed as well and they all said they didn’t notice any change in their tattoo’s. Luckily for me I don’t have them any place where they might have to cut into them if I end up needing any skin removed.
Just the tip of the tattoo ice berg.
In the thought that things are more frightening in the dark, I am going to shine some light on my fears in the hopes that seeing them written will help me deal with them. Here goes nothing.
1. The procedure and hospital stay- This is probably the thing that gives me the greatest anxiety. I hate needles (ironic I know considering the photo above but tattoo’s aren’t the same as an injection or IV). Anesthesia makes me very nauseated so I am afraid of how much it’s going to hurt if I have to vomit. Vicodin, Percocet, Dilaudid all make me vomit so there is a great chance that Morphine will too. Not to mention how little I am looking forward to having a catheter.
2. The financial piece of it – $500 is due to the surgeon the morning of the procedure (which I have now met my deductible so I don’t know if I will have to pay this or not). I was always under the impression that as long as you had insurance that you paid your co-pay then the hospital, and doctors etc. submit the bill to your insurance company and then you are sent a bill for whatever Cigna won’t cover. The last time I was at my pulmonologist his receptionist was talking about how her daughter had to go to the hospital for something that she had to pay everything in full out of pocket and then was reimbursed for what the insurance company would cover. I hope this isn’t the case for inpatient surgery. I have never been admitted to a hospital so I have no clue how any of this works. Also I was under the impression that our insurance company had a max out of pocket expense of $2000 for the year for in network treatment. Today while I was on Cigna’s website I didn’t see the information about max out of pocket expense like I did when I was previously on there. I have been planing this whole time not to have more than a $1,200 expense since I have already paid $898 out of pocket so far this year (I have sent an email to my HR lady to see what she has to say about these two things). Not to mention all the vitamins, protein product etc that you have to buy.
3. What if I hate what I look like after – I know this is a strange thought for most considering the body image issues I mentioned above but I don’t hate the way I look now (as long as I don’t try and do stripper pushup in a mirror). In fact the only thing I really don’t like about my body are my arms and my trunk (the section starting above your ass and ending below your boobs) and my arms. I think I have a beautiful face, a killer rack, and a nice ass and legs. I just want to be smaller. It’s hard for me to imagine what I might look like at a size 8/10 because the last time I can remember even being around that size was in 6th grade when I was 12/14. This is a horribly bitch thing to say but I have seen people who look really scary after WLS (cough cough Star Jones granted she must have had some work done to her face because she doesn’t looks so bug eyed anymore for a while I thought she looked more beautiful pre-op) and the last thing I want is to feel worse clothed at 150 pounds, than I did doing burlesque at 300 pounds. It has been a relief to see a bunch of before and after pics in the support group because I haven’t really seen many (aside from the blogs I follow).
4. Failing – What if I go through all this and I never see Onderland (A weight under 200 pounds)?
5. Losing way too much hair – I have had my hair thin out before so much to the point that my hair dress was like “dude why is your hair falling out” at the time I had no clue that my thyroid was out of whack and perhaps during that period it was really out of whack (it’s always off on my blood work but not enough to medicate me for it). I know that there is nothing you can really do about your hair falling out after surgery I just hope I don’t end up with a bald spot.
Well that’s it for now, apparently I am long winded because I hit a thousand words easily. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to stop by and read my posts, and everyone who has expressed their support thus far. It really means a lot to me.
It’s been a rough 9 days adjusting back into my routine but I have finally stopped expecting to hear the ocean outside every door and window. I have been to Sint Maarten three time now and each time it gets harder and harder to come back.
Getting there leaves you feeling like you spent 24 hours raving in some sort of tubeular disco with babies and bad drugs since you often depart around midnight. It’s beyond worth it, there’s nothing like collapsing in a chaise on your balcony after two 4 hour flights and a 2 to 12 hour layover in someplace as unfortunate as the Ft Lauderdale airport to soak in this view.
The View from our room at Oyster Bay Beach Resort
The flights and layovers this time around were fairly painless except for not being able to sleep on the red eye flight. US Airways has the shortest seat belts I have come across. I rarely ever need a seat belt extender and if I do it’s because it barely wont clip. The seat belts on all 4 flights were really short. It’s kind of nice to know that the next time I fly that I wont have to even think about if I will need an extender.
We rented a couple of cars and my mom, nephew and I ended up with a Toyota Yaris that had bad breaks, a transmission I was sure was going to go, and had no power which is kind of an issue on an island that is nothing but hills.
I was determined this trip to spend as much time in the water as possible and I am pretty sure I achieved my goal. I earned the nickname Baywatch from my sister because I kept having to save people in our party from drowning. The first of which was my poor mom in what was probably the funniest moment of the trip.
I bought an iPhone and Lifeproof case specifically to be able to film and take pictures in the water. As I was showing my mom a video I had taken we failed to notice that a pretty decent size wave was coming for us. Since I am considerably taller than my 5′ mom the wave slapped her in the face while I just stood on my tip toes to keep it out of mine.
We both start laughing and as I am cackling and yelling out to my sister “did you see mom get hit by that wave?” a second wave knocks her off balance causing me to laugh so hard no sound is coming out and I can barely breathe. All of us are dying laughing while I am trying to help her up another waive has knocked her to her knees and myself off balance, causing an effect similar to that of trying to pick up a greased watermelon out of the water. The next thing I know a waive has knocked her face first into the water and all I can think about is oh fuck how are we going to explain that we let mom drown in like 3 feet of water (my mom has Parkinson’s and her drowning was a big fear of everyones). At that point I just grabbed for whatever I could get a grip on which happened to be the straps of her swimsuit and I hoisted her out of the water like Mufasa raising Simba to the sun À la The Lion King.
My Mom was saved and we all laughed so hard our sides hurt. My sister was like all I see is you picking mom up by her swim suit and her little legs kicking trying to find the ground.
The island is surrounded by reef so everywhere you go you will likely run into fish or some other marine life. I was supposed to spend 4 or 5 days with Octopus Diving getting my PADI scuba certification and taking an underwater photography course. However because of my size my primary care doctor ordered a lung test and that test came back positive for Asthma which caused me not to pass the necessary physical. I didn’t want them to have to refund all of my money so I booked a snorkeling trip with them instead.
I showed up on Monday and the wonderful and kind owner Sally got me fitted for fins and a mask, and then sent me and 5 others off with JT our captain/guide for the afternoon.
Octopus Diving is on the French side of the island in Grande Case, and the water on the french side as we departed was clear and smooth. We took a short 5 minute ride out to Creole Rock which is a French nature reserve.
The view leaving Octopus Diving
I couldn’t wait to get out in the water and jumped over the side of the boat into a cloud of colorful fish, and tiny little baby Jellyfish. Once I found out that they couldn’t sting I rather enjoyed swimming through them and looking at there iridescent veins that changed colors and sparkled in the sun.
The fish at Creole Rock
We got to spend an over an hour at each location, and I could have spent all day at Creole Rock. I got super excited as I saw a Cuttlefish crawl out from some rocks and change colors to perfectly blend in with his surroundings I thought he was an Octopus at first but was informed otherwise by someone in our group. The water at Creole Rock is about 30 feet so I didn’t get a close look at him but it was still pretty cool to see him dramatically change colors.
The guy diving in the video was our guide JT and he was down there for forever before he had to come up for a breath. It was pretty impressive.
We went to Turtle Reef next which was about 10 minutes away from Creole Rock, 30 feet deep, and out in the middle of the current with nothing around. There were lots of fish here including a puffer. One person in our group saw a turtle but they were over 100 yards away from me when they called “TURTLE” so by the time I got over there he was gone.
The next day a handful of us went out to check out Le Galion which is considered the children’s beach because it’s barely enough water to float in for at least 100 yards off shore. It was mostly sea grass with clusters of rocks that housed tons of tiny little colorful fish. At one point I ended up being circled by 8″ yellow and blue fish (I thought I had gotten video but failed to notice I put my phone in the float backwards so all you could see was orange). It was a really cool area but it had tons of trash in the water which made me really sad. I came really close to what I thought was a bigish sized jelly fish only to find when I calmed down that it was one of those cheap shower caps you get from a hotel.
Hands down my favorite day of the trip and possibly my favorite day ever was Wednesday when we chartered a 46′ catamaran with Private Yacht Charters called the Seaduction. My poor mom ended up sea sick with our first mate Toni taking care of her most of the day so we could get off the boat and enjoy the surroundings. We went to Creole Rock again which was fine by me since I knew the kids would get to see a lot of cool stuff there.
After that we were off to Penile Island. We had lunch on the boat and then our captain Johann took my Mom and nephew ashore to shop for souvenirs while we snorkeled the reefs. We saw a starfish and the kids saw a cluster of lobsters.
Next we were off to the place I had been looking forward to all day, the island of Tintamarre. We were told there was a 98% chance that we would see turtles and I was hoping this wasn’t just a sales pitch.
When we went to Turtle Reef JT told us to be ready when the boat stops because your most likely to see turtles when you first get there because they are curious about the boat, so before they could even pull the chain for the steps when we got to Tintamarre I had my flippers and mask on ready to go.
As I jumped in I was radiating the thought come to me my turtle friends swim with me! Over and over again. We hadn’t been in the water for more than 5 minutes when we saw the first one. I had just started running film on a stingray I had found when Chris yelled turtle. I paddled as quickly as I could. Tjhe water was probably 50 to 60 feet deep so he looked like a rock with flippers. As everyone else in our group made it over to where we were the turtle began to surface and I had to try not to bump into him he got so close to Ty and I before he took off away from us.
Coming up for some air.
We saw at least 4 or 5 more turtles. At one point I could see three at once. Then I shot two of the most amazing things I have ever captured. I hung out over two different turtles for 15 minutes each with my finger on the shutter button waiting for them to surface and praying for the right light and angles. As I was swimming after these fantastic creatures I had one of the moments you swear is a dream.
After about an hour I reluctantly swam back in so we could make the journey back to our harbor and the rest of the night was spent riding the high of that experience.
The quote I used for this blog really reminds me of the refection I did while I was there, and how I have changed since the first time I visited the island. Three years ago I was deep into a heavy dance regimen for the first time in years, bored with the job I was in, but otherwise feeling alive again for the first time in a long time. Last year I went alone, was unemployed, terrified and unsure what the future held, and not really sure of my worth to society because I had been defined by my job for so long. I came this year on the edge of a giant cliff of change, looking back at how much I have grown, and pleasantly pondering how I will have changed by the next time I return.
I apologize for the super long travel post but I figured since they are off topic of the main theme of the blog I figured I would just make them one long blog per trip so those uninterested can easily skip over it. The next post will be back to our same bat time same bat station.
Hold on to your seat kids because this is a kind of long one. New York feels forever a way now that I look back at it but it really hasn’t been. My sister, our friend Beth and myself went because Beth was on the Today show for this segment on body image during Love Your Selfie Week.
The trip started off a little rough do to my own stupidity in decision making the previous evening that resulted in a special little hell I created for myself for the day we left. I could leave this part of the story out but it only added to the adventure.
I love drag queens and the night before we left to New York City Carmen Carrera, Phi Phi O’Hara, and Shanel were coming to Nina Flowers Drag Nation here in Denver. My friends and I love RuPaul’s Drag Race and opting for table service for our group is usually a cheaper option than buying drinks when queens from the show are performing. Let me preface this by saying I rarely drink enough to actually get drunk. If I drink I will normally stop after a few because my body seeks violent revenge the next day if I drink enough to be hung over.
Carmen Carrera
That being said somewhere between only getting 2 drinks out of our first bottle and saying yeah lets get a second bottle (even though we only have 5 people) and the end of the show (which wasn’t very long maybe an hour) I got shit show drunk. Which resulted in me falling asleep in my friends shower after sitting under the water for hours because it was the only thing keeping me from purging my soul along with the cranberry vodkas that won that night.
I awoke to sunlight and birds and started freaking out because I had no clue if I missed my flight, or how long I had to get home and pack. Turns out it was only 6am so I gathered my friends and I had to have one of them drive home because I felt like I was going to die. I proceeded to vomit as if I was expelling demons all the way home from Denver. After hitting snooze until I could no longer avoid what would come out if I sat up, I had to pack 15 minutes before we had to leave for the airport and then proceeded to dry heave all the way there. I had to ask TSA for a trash bag because I wasn’t sure I could survive the train ride to concourse C without heaving on the train (but I did) all they had was a 50 gallon trash bag but it was better than what might happen without it. So needless to say I was in rare flying condition that day. I managed to not get sick on the plane, but couldn’t even stomach ginger ale I was in such bad shape. I finally was able to hold down some 7up (yup I broke down and had soda I felt so shitty) and half a slice of pizza at like 11pm.
Overall we had a lot of fun on the trip even though there were some bumps in our room reservation, and the fact that we didn’t actually see a whole lot. We under estimated how long it would take to get around on the double decker buses (we figured buying an unlimited pass on that for a few days would be a good way to see and hear about the city on route to places).
I love how ornate all of the buildings in NYC are. There was something to look at everywhere you looked and the double decker bus really allowed for you to get a close look at some of the beautiful art that covers the buildings there.
We walked around site seeing and did a carriage ride through central park on our first day. On our way back we got on the same loop for our bus that took us to Central Park because we figured it would just loop around and go back to Rockefeller Center which is where we were staying and the first stop on the loop. After the Time Square stop they announced that everyone should get off at this stop. Well we thought oh that’s because it’s the last stop but we should be able to stay on to go back to the beginning.
Boy were we wrong about that one. The guide come back up top and it took him a minute to notice there were people up here and they shouldn’t be. When he does notice he jumps in the air and proclaims “holy shit, you scared the crap out of me”. He immediately starts freaking out and yelling for the bus to stop. It turns out that this bus had to go through a tunnel to go do another loop and if we would have stayed on we could have been decapitated if we wouldn’t have dropped down on the floor. We couldn’t stop laughing we thought it was pretty hilarious.
The bus tour shortly before our near death experience
We spent the next day wondering around the city, and battery park so we could see the Statute of Liberty (from a far) and Ground Zero. On the way back to Rockefeller Center I had once of the most humiliating and infuriating experiences of my life. It was pretty chilly while we were out there, and well we brought warm clothes we really needed a decent coat to sit on the top of the bus. On our way back we decided we would sit inside the bus because it was cold and crowded up top. My sister and Beth had sat on a row of seats that had three seats and they left the middle one open, and I sat across from them in a two seat. When we got to the next stop a number of people got on and this girl sat next to me and her friend had to go sit next to a stranger further back so I offered to go sit with Beth and Monica so they could sit together. I looked at the spot between them and since we are 3 larger ladies I wasn’t sure if we we would all fit but we did.
A couple of stops later this European couple got off that had been sitting a row or two behind us and I can just feel Beth and Monica’s blood start to boil. As soon as they exit my sister tells me I should have tripped them. I missed what happened but apparently the second I sat down (I was ahead of Beth and Monica so they would have been walking towards them as my back was turned) they started laughing and whispering in my direction. Then when I got up and was like we all fit they started cracking up and were like leave it up to the Americans.
I was so furious I wanted to jump off the bus and unleash a few choice words on them. To quote Allson Rosens segment where people write in about jerks, “Go fuck yourselves”. I have never been picked on because of my size, if anybody has ever made fun of me for being fat it’s never been to my face, so for two random people I don’t even know to be such dicks infuriated me.
Even though this has never happened before it’s something I have always feared. It has something has held me back and has caused social anxiety and kept me from doing things when I am having off days because I don’t want to be the target for someones hate when I haven’t done anything to them.
It’s made me terrified to audition and interview for things because I am afraid they will only see me for my size and not for what I can offer. It’s kept men from openly dating me (and resulted in me leaving) because they are afraid of being made fun of by their friends for dating a fat girl. I just don’t get why it’s socially acceptable to be so cruel to people. Do people realize that it makes people so terrified of being humiliated that it makes the petrified to be able to even walk into a gym or studio (or even outside to walk or ride a bike) to make a change because they feel like the are damned either way?
We didn’t let it ruin our trip and the next day flew by with our visit to the Today show, Lunch, and then heading to the airport. I loved NYC and didn’t really cross anything off my list but NYC cheesecake and the carriage ride so I will certainly be back at some point.
Oh my how the time flies. April has just blown by because I have been so busy with my photography business and other general spring activities. I feel like April and May are always jam packed with birthdays, graduations, and other social requirements.
It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I started this whole process, and in just 1 day and 19 hours I will be headed to NYC (see this post for more on my trip), In 34 days and 9 hours I will be soaking up the sun in Sint Maarten, and in 80 days and 15 hours I will be going under the knife for gastric bypass (if all goes as plans).
I finished the last of my three months of supervised nutritional classes on April 14th, the class was on fitness and since I am already pretty active all of this was review. The surgeons team has all the other paper work needed by Cigna to have the surgery approved. The only part left is to wait on is their answer. I was worried about the gap in my classes and when the surgery is going to take place (July 14th so I imagine they will submit my paperwork the last week in June) so I asked if they thought I should continue taking classes until it’s time to submit my paper work. The lady that handles all the insurance stuff for Dr. Browns office says that she doesn’t think so that she doesn’t see a reason why they shouldn’t approve it.
I really wish I could attend the last 3 classes of the series but since it doesn’t work out with my work schedule and I have pretty much all but used all of my time off for they year I wont be able to. They however were very helpful in providing me with the power point sessions and handouts for the classes I wont be able to attend so at least I will be able to go over this information on my own.
I keep thinking surely it can’t be this easy but perhaps it will be. It’s crazy to think that in 3 months I will be 10 days post op. I wish they would just submit the paper work now so we would know for certain. In the mean time I am trying to keep this in mind.
It’s hard because every time I look at the countdown on my phone I can’t help but feel scared, worried, and expecting the pain post op. So I try to focus on things like how awesome it will be to do a forward bend and not have my belly keeping me from reaching my fullest potential because it will only squish down so far. I keep going back and forth between being very excited and then wanting to vomit when I think about how momentous of a feat I am about to take on.
On the bright side I am down to 295 pounds which is a 18 pound loss since I started this whole processes. Hopefully I will have some more time to workout when I get back from NYC and before Sint Maarten. I just need to make sure I walk a ton in NYC so I don’t gain a million pounds from all delicious food we have planned to try while we are out there.
Well that’s all I have for now but I wanted to post something since I finished up my third class. I will be sure to keep you posted on our adventure to the Today show and our NYC shenanigans.
Today our very own Dr. Ruby Gatschet is our blogger. Dr. Gatschet joined our bariatric care team last year and we are so glad to have her on board! Read on to see how the plates and dishes we eat from actually affect how much we eat.
I first became interested in how dinnerware has changed over the years and how that has translated to our eating habits when I was admiring some Haviland china sets that had been passed down through my husband’s side of the family. Certainly, they were beautiful pieces of dishware, but they were amazingly small compared to my own set of everyday china. The serving pieces were the size of my regular dinner plates, and the dinner plates were the size of my salad plates. This observation led me to do some research on dinnerware sizes over the years, which in turn led me to…
Down Sizing Desi 