“Well my bags are packed I am ready to go…”

 

The bewitching hour is steadily approaching. I am as prepared as I am going to get and now it’s all up to Dr. Brown and his team to get me to the next phase.

Last night I had a dream that I forgot I was on the liquid diet and blew it by eating several cheese sticks, smart popcorn, and fruit snacks. I woke up in a panic only to come to my senses that I had not in fact eaten an entire pack of cheese.

I spent the day washing all my bedding and taking before pics. I waited entirely too long to go pick up more broth from the grocery store and hadn’t drank nearly enough juice which resulted in me nearly fainting in Kings Supers. I came home and chugged two cups of broth and some juice and felt much better after that.

Speaking of before pics avert you eyes if you don’t want to see a picture of me à la the biggest loser (in my bra and bike shorts). This morning I weighed in at 296.6.

I spent the afternoon/ evening hanging out with my BFF and then packing for my stay at the hospital. Here’s what I am bringing:

The guide for what to bring said to bring basic toiletries and that we could bring clothes as patients prefer their own. I am bringing: A black tube top tunic and a blue and grey baseball tee I opted for dark just in case my incisions leak. Black bicycle shorts, A Hanes Cozy bra for a little support, lotion, chapstick, travel tooth brush,  tooth paste, glasses cleaner and cloth, Gas-X strips, dry shampoo,  brush, face lotion, facial cleansing wipes, pads (because you never know with PCOS), headphones, my charger, and my phone.

I have to sleep with a pod cast or tv on so the headphones are for just in case they won’t let me leave the TV on.  Speaking of sleep I should try to get some. Goodnight everyone and stay tuned for updates!

 

 

It’s the final countdown…

Well kids the time is quickly approaching. I hope everything post op goes as easily, and quickly as the process leading up to this.

I am almost finished with the second day of the liquid diet. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, although I might be singing a different song tomorrow.  My stomach finally stopped growling at me around 6pm last night when it got the hint that it wasn’t getting real food anytime soon. The only thing I am interested in off the allowed items list is low sodium chicken broth, sugar free Jell-o, diet Ocean Spray juices, and the sugar free popsicles.

Perhaps I’m so hungry at the moment because I haven’t had as much today as I did yesterday. I am just sick of having to pee every three seconds so it’s kept me from drinking as much today. Yesterday I drank a whole bottle of juice, almost a whole carton of broth, at least 40 ounces of water, and 12 sugar free Jell-o cups. Today all I had was 3/4 of a carton of broth, a 1/4 of a bottle of juice, 4 Jell-O  cups and then like half a bowl of sugar free orange Jell-O, and about 52 ounces of water.

My stomach just growls at me in protest after I “eat” the jiggly water like bitch this is not food! I am just so grateful that I only have to do this for 3 days and not 2 weeks pre-op like a lot of surgeons require.

Last night after work I drove to Ft. Collins to visit the Screamin Peach for a wax since I figured hair removal for a week or two post-op might be tricky or painful.

They had a giant version of this in the waxing room, it makes me far too happy.

I wasn’t craving anything bad all day until I got there. The wax smelled like brownie batter, and then all I could think about was how tasty a brownie would be.

Afterword I drove to Denver to hang out with some friends and we went out to the bars. I was surprised at how well I did without anything to drink considering how packed it was where we were. It’s not as if I drink much but I do enjoy a cocktail or two however I didn’t mind sipping on water all night.

Today all day long all I have wanted was cheese and fruit. My dad had a bag of smart popcorn and all I wanted to do was to suck the cheese off a piece but I resisted.

I had not been eating super well up to the liquid diet so I gained about 8 pounds and ended up at 301 when I stepped on the scale Friday morning. I actually wasn’t eating horribly minus the ice cream I had every night for the last month.

This morning when I stepped on the scale it said 298.6. I’ll take a 2.4 loss in a day. Here’s to hoping that I will never see 300+ pounds on a scale again.

Well I think sleep is going to win over hunger at the moment because I can’t stop yawning. Tomorrow I plan on drinking as much juice and broth as I can get in all day long in the hopes of controlling the hunger between midnight and 9 am when I go under.

 

 

Holy Shit! I have been approved!!!!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!!!!! I just got a voice mail from my surgeons office saying I have been approved!!!!! I was really expecting for them to come back and say that Cigna was going to want something else.

When I got back from Sint Maarten I had a 3 day old voicemail from my surgeons office saying they needed to talk to me. When I called them back they said that all the Cigna patients they had submitted recently that had been told they only needed three months of classes had been denied. Cigna came back on all of their patients and said they needed a 4th month of classes and that they wanted me to get one more class in before we sent it off the request just in case. I only had a couple of days before we needed to submit my paperwork but we made it work.

Well it’s official July 14th at 7:30 am my life will change forever. Pending of course that my work doesn’t decide that we are going to be too busy for me to be out. I scheduled it for when they said would work but now they are concerned about how coverage since it’s around our busy season.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear” – Nelson Mandela

Every time I look at my countdown I get excited and then my stomach turns in anticipation of certain things. It’s similar to the feeling you get before you ride a new roller coaster for the first time, your excited and terrified all at the same time. I got a letter from Cigna yesterday saying they received my surgeons request, and they now need my file to determine the necessity of an inpatient procedure. Now we wait (some more).

The closer I get the harder the fear kicks in, and the harder it is to put it to the back of my mind. To everyone I have not seen lately I am sorry but my anxiety surrounding this procedure has caused my social anxiety to kick into overdrive. Not to mention that I am having some body image issues which have made it all but impossible to get into the studio and dance. It’s strange to not have body issues your whole life, then all of a sudden be afraid of mirrors but it seems like since I have made the decision to go under the knife mirrors have not been my friend. I have become painfully aware of how much larger I am than the rest of my fellow dancers and instead of coming out of class feeling alive, I would just leave wanting to cry after an hour of being able to see them and myself in the same reflection. I am hoping this is something that will fade soon because I miss my Vertical Fusion family more than words can express.

Last night I joined a Facebook support group for Gastric Bypass patients. It will be nice to have a community of people whom have been through this process to seek advice from since I don’t know anyone who has had a bariatric procedure.  My surgeon offers them but they are during the week days when I can’t make it.

One of the things I have been most afraid of is what will happen to all my beautiful ink if I ended up reaching my goal of a 150 pound loss? None of the bloggers I follow are heavily tattooed and large portions of my body are covered. Luckily a number of people in this group are heavily tattooed as well and they all said they didn’t notice any change in their tattoo’s. Luckily for me I don’t have them any place where they might have to cut into them if I end up needing any skin removed.

Just the tip of the tattoo ice berg.

In the thought that things are more frightening in the dark, I am going to shine some light on my fears in the hopes that seeing them written will help me deal with them. Here goes nothing.

1. The procedure and hospital stay- This is probably the thing that gives me the greatest anxiety. I hate needles (ironic I know considering the photo above but tattoo’s aren’t the same as an injection or IV). Anesthesia makes me very nauseated so I am afraid of how much it’s going to hurt if I have to vomit. Vicodin, Percocet, Dilaudid all make me vomit so there is a great chance that Morphine will too. Not to mention how little I am looking forward to having a catheter.

2. The financial piece of it – $500 is due to the surgeon the morning of the procedure (which I have now met my deductible so I don’t know if I will have to pay this or not). I was always under the impression that as long as you had insurance that you paid your co-pay  then the hospital, and doctors etc. submit the bill to your insurance company and then you are sent a bill for whatever Cigna won’t cover. The last time I was at my pulmonologist his receptionist was talking about how her daughter had to go to the hospital for something that she had to pay everything in full out of pocket and then was reimbursed for what the insurance company would cover. I hope this isn’t the case for inpatient surgery. I have never been admitted to a hospital so I have no clue how any of this works. Also I was under the impression that our insurance company had a max out of pocket expense of $2000 for the year for in network treatment. Today while I was on Cigna’s website I didn’t see the information about max out of pocket expense like I did when I was previously on there. I have been planing this whole time not to have more than a $1,200 expense since I have already paid $898 out of pocket so far this year (I have sent an email to my HR lady to see what she has to say about these two things). Not to mention all the vitamins, protein product etc that you have to buy.

3. What if I hate what I look like after – I know this is a strange thought for most considering the body image issues I mentioned above but I don’t hate the way I look now (as long as I don’t try and do stripper pushup in a mirror). In fact the only thing I really don’t like about my body are my arms and my trunk (the section starting above your ass and ending below your boobs) and my arms. I think I have a beautiful face, a killer rack, and a nice ass and legs. I just want to be smaller. It’s hard for me to imagine what I might look like at a size 8/10 because the last time I can remember even being around that size was in 6th grade when I was 12/14. This is a horribly bitch thing to say but I have seen people who look really scary after WLS (cough cough Star Jones granted she must have had some work done to her face because she doesn’t looks so bug eyed anymore for a while I thought she looked more beautiful pre-op) and the last thing I want is to feel worse clothed at 150 pounds, than I did doing burlesque at 300 pounds. It has been a relief to see a bunch of before and after pics in the support group because I haven’t really seen many (aside from the blogs I follow).

4. Failing – What if I go through all this and I never see Onderland (A weight under 200 pounds)?

5. Losing way too much hair – I have had my hair thin out before so much to the point that my hair dress was like “dude why is your hair falling out” at the time I had no clue that my thyroid was out of whack and perhaps during that period it was really out of whack (it’s always off on my blood work but not enough to medicate me for it). I know that there is nothing you can really do about your hair falling out after surgery I just hope I don’t end up with a bald spot.

Well that’s it for now, apparently I am long winded because I hit a thousand words easily. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to stop by and read my posts, and everyone who has expressed their support thus far. It really means a lot to me.

“One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as in 5 years.” – Tom Wolfe

Hold on to your seat kids because this is a kind of long one. New York feels forever a way now that I look back at it but it really hasn’t been. My sister, our friend Beth and myself went because Beth was on the Today show for this segment on body image during Love Your Selfie Week.

The trip started off a little rough do to my own stupidity in decision making the previous evening that resulted in a special little hell I created for myself for the day we left. I could leave this part of the story out but it only added to the adventure.

I love drag queens and the night before we left to New York City Carmen Carrera, Phi Phi O’Hara, and Shanel were coming to Nina Flowers Drag Nation here in Denver. My friends and I love RuPaul’s Drag Race and opting for table service for our group is usually a cheaper option than buying drinks when queens from the show are performing. Let me preface this by saying I rarely drink enough to actually get drunk. If I drink I will normally stop after a few because my body seeks violent revenge the next day if I drink enough to be hung over.

Carmen Carrera

That being said somewhere between only getting 2 drinks out of our first bottle and saying yeah lets get a second bottle (even though we only have 5 people) and the end of the show (which wasn’t very long maybe an hour) I got shit show drunk. Which resulted in me falling asleep in my friends shower after sitting under the water for hours because it was the only thing keeping me from purging my soul along with the cranberry vodkas that won that night.

I  awoke to sunlight and birds and started freaking out because I had no clue if I missed my flight, or how long I had to get home and pack. Turns out it was only 6am so I gathered my friends and I had to have one of them drive home because I felt like I was going to die. I proceeded to vomit as if I was expelling demons all the way home from Denver. After hitting snooze until I could no longer avoid what would come out if I sat up, I had to pack 15 minutes before we had to leave for the airport and then proceeded to dry heave all the way there. I had to ask TSA for a trash bag because I wasn’t sure I could survive the train ride to concourse C without heaving on the train (but I did) all they had was a 50 gallon trash bag but it was better than what might happen without it.  So needless to say I was in rare flying condition that day. I managed to not get sick on the plane, but couldn’t even stomach ginger ale I was  in such bad shape. I finally was able to hold down some 7up (yup I broke down and had soda I felt so shitty) and half a slice of pizza at like 11pm.

Overall we had a lot of fun on the trip even though there were some bumps in our room reservation, and the fact that we didn’t actually see a whole lot. We under estimated how long it would take to get around on the double decker buses (we figured buying an unlimited pass on that for a few days would be a good way to see and hear about the city on route to places).

I love how ornate all of the buildings in NYC are. There was something to look at everywhere you looked and the double decker bus really allowed for you to get a close look at some of the beautiful art that covers the buildings there.

We walked around site seeing and did a carriage ride through central park on our first day. On our way back we got on the same loop for our bus that took us to Central Park because we figured it would just loop around and go back to Rockefeller Center which is where we were staying and the first stop on the loop. After the Time Square stop they announced that everyone should get off at this stop. Well we thought oh that’s because it’s the last stop but we should be able to stay on to go back to the beginning.

Boy were we wrong about that one. The guide come back up top and it took him a minute to notice there were people up here and they shouldn’t be. When he does notice he jumps in the air and proclaims “holy shit, you scared the crap out of me”. He immediately starts freaking out and yelling for the bus to stop. It turns out that this bus had to go through a tunnel to go do another loop and if we would have stayed on we could have been decapitated if we wouldn’t have dropped down on the floor.  We couldn’t stop laughing we thought it was pretty hilarious.

The bus tour shortly before our near death experience

 

We spent the next day wondering around the city, and battery park so we could see the Statute of Liberty (from a far) and Ground Zero. On the way back to Rockefeller Center I had once of the most humiliating and infuriating experiences of my life. It was pretty chilly while we were out there, and well we brought warm clothes we really needed a decent coat to sit on the top of the bus. On our way back we decided we would sit inside the bus because it was cold and crowded up top. My sister and Beth had sat on a row of seats that had three seats and they left the middle one open, and I sat across from them in a two seat.  When we got to the next stop a number of people got on and this girl sat next to me and her friend had to go sit next to a stranger further back so I offered to go sit with Beth and Monica so they could sit together. I looked at the spot between them and since we are 3 larger ladies I wasn’t sure if we we would all fit but we did.

A couple of stops later this European couple got off that had been sitting a row or two behind us and I can just feel Beth and Monica’s blood start to boil. As soon as they exit my sister tells me I should have tripped them. I missed what happened but apparently the second I sat down (I was ahead of Beth and Monica so they would have been walking towards them as my back was turned) they started laughing and whispering in my direction. Then when I got up and was like we all fit they started cracking up and were like leave it up to the Americans.

I was so furious I wanted to jump off the bus and unleash a few choice words on them. To quote Allson Rosens segment where people write in about jerks, “Go fuck yourselves”.  I have never been picked on because of my size, if anybody has ever made fun of me for being fat it’s never been to my face, so for two random people I don’t even know to be such dicks infuriated me.

Even though this has never happened before it’s something I have always feared. It has something has held me back and has caused social anxiety and kept me from doing things when I am having off days because I don’t want to be the target for someones hate when I haven’t done anything to them.

It’s made me terrified to audition and interview for things because I am afraid they will only see me for my size and not for what I can offer. It’s kept men from openly dating me (and resulted in me leaving) because they are afraid of being made fun of by their friends for dating a fat girl. I just don’t get why it’s  socially acceptable to be so cruel to people. Do people realize that it makes people so terrified of being humiliated that it makes the petrified to be able to even walk into a gym or studio (or even outside to walk or ride a bike) to make a change because they feel like the are damned either way?

We didn’t let it ruin our trip and the next day flew by with our visit to the Today show, Lunch, and then heading to the airport. I loved NYC and didn’t really cross anything off my list but NYC cheesecake and the carriage ride so I will certainly be back at some point.

“Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.” – Khaled Hosseini

Oh my how the time flies. April has just blown by because I have been so busy with my photography business and other general spring activities. I feel like April and May are always jam packed with birthdays, graduations, and other social requirements.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 months since I started this whole process, and in just 1 day and 19 hours I will be headed to NYC (see this post for more on my trip), In 34 days and 9 hours I will be soaking up the sun in Sint Maarten, and in 80 days and 15 hours I will be going under the knife for gastric bypass (if all goes as plans).

I finished the last of my three months of supervised nutritional classes on April 14th, the class was on fitness and since I am already pretty active all of this was review. The surgeons team has all the other paper work needed by Cigna to have the surgery approved. The only part left is to wait on is their answer. I was worried about the gap in my classes and when the surgery is going to take place (July 14th so I imagine they will submit my paperwork the last week in June) so I asked if they thought I should continue taking classes until it’s time to submit my paper work. The lady that handles all the insurance stuff for Dr. Browns office says that she doesn’t think so that she doesn’t see a reason why they shouldn’t approve it.

I really wish I could attend the last 3 classes of the series but since it doesn’t work out with my work schedule and I have pretty much all but used all of my time off for they year I wont be able to. They however were very helpful in providing me with the power point sessions and handouts for the classes I wont be able to attend so at least I will be able to go over this information on my own.

I keep thinking surely it can’t be this easy but perhaps it will be. It’s crazy to think that in 3 months I will be 10 days post op. I wish they would just submit the paper work now so we would know for certain. In the mean time I am trying to keep this in mind.

It’s hard because every time I look at the countdown on my phone I can’t help but feel scared, worried, and expecting the pain post op. So I try to focus on things like how awesome it will be to do a forward bend and not have my belly keeping me from reaching my fullest potential because it will only squish down so far. I keep going back and forth between being very excited and then wanting to vomit when I think about how momentous of a feat I am about to take on.

On the bright side I am down to 295 pounds which is a 18 pound loss since I started this whole processes. Hopefully I will have some more time to workout when I get back from NYC and before Sint Maarten. I just need to make sure I walk a ton in NYC so I don’t gain a million pounds from all delicious food we have planned to try while we are out there.

Well that’s all I have for now but I wanted to post something since I finished up my third class. I will be sure to keep you posted on our adventure to the Today show and our NYC shenanigans.

“Knowledge is love and light and vision” – Helen Keller

First and foremost I would like to extend a giant hug to everyone that offered their support, it means so much to me, I am filled with tears of joy every time I think of it. Sharing this blog with the people I know is probably one of the scariest things I have ever done. Isn’t funny how we often don’t care what strangers will think but it terrifies us to be judged by those we know and love? I was shocked to see how many people actually took the time to read it. Before I kind of felt like I was alone trying to find my way in the darkness with only a head lamp. Your support is like love and light guiding my path which is much brighter now.

It feels so much better now that everyone is aware of what’s going on, and that I don’t feel like I have this huge secret I am hiding. I am very independent, and not the type of person that likes to ask for support or help, so admitting I have a problem and that it’s going to need outside help to solve it was something that was weighing on me heavily. It was also something I was afraid to admit because it makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrite to have preached love your body, that numbers on a scale don’t define you, and sexy comes in every size for so long that people would think that I don’t believe in that because I am dramatically altering my body. I still believe all of those things. I am not doing this because I hate my body, I am doing it because I love it and I don’t want it to give out on me. Don’t worry kids I haven’t come to hate myself I am still the bubbly spirit you have come to know and love.

Since I have shared my big news I have found out from many friends and family members that they don’t actually know much about Gastric Bypass, or the different bariatric surgeries that are available. I figured I would use this post to provide a little information about them. I will explain each procedure but the graphic provided by nordbariatric.com contains much more information but not much about the procedures.

Gastric Bypass – also known as Roux-en-y, is considered the gold standard for weight loss surgery and is performed more than any other weight loss surgery. It also has been medically researched more than the other options. The procedure is done laparoscopically and takes about 90 minutes to complete. The surgeon will make several small incision to access the stomach and intestine. They will then reduce your stomach by 90% by creating a small pouch that is roughly 15-30 ml in volume or about the size of your thumb. The second part involves removing 45 inches of your intestine and then connecting it to your new pouch. The surgery works by restriction and malabsorption. Not only are you able to eat less you also only absorb a small portion of the food that you consume.

Lap Band – Is a restrictive surgery where the stomach is reduced in volume (to about 100 ml) by an adjustable band. It is done laparoscopically and takes about 40 minutes. The reduction in size allows the patient to feel full more quickly thus reducing the amount of calories consumed. The band has a reservoir filled with saline which is connected to a capsule under the skin. This allows for the band to be adjusted as needed after surgery.

Gastric Sleeve – Is a restrictive laparoscopically performed procedure where the stomach is reduced by about 75% creating a tube or sleeve like new stomach. The surgery works by restriction but they also remove the portion of the stomach that produces ghrelin (the hormone that tells you your hungry) greatly reducing the amount of ghrelin you produce. The surgery takes about 2 hours to complete.

I have chosen to go with Gastric Bypass because it’s the most successful of the 3 surgeries (see the graphic below), even though it poses the biggest lifestyle changes. More people reach their goal weight with bypass than with the other bariatric surgeries. To read more about where I am in the process of getting approved and scheduling my procedure see this post.

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you going to love someone else?” – Rupaul

That’s right bitches I am quoting Rupaul. Well many people hate their bodies and the skin their in, I have never had that problem. The reasons for wanting to go under the knife stems from wanting to be healthy. The size I end up at doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy one. Even now at a weight that I find so alarming that I am taking drastic measures to change it I still start every day by dancing in my underwear before I get dressed. I still catch unexpected glances in the mirror where I think I look sexy, and I still perform burlesque.

My parent’s may have not taught me how to eat properly, but they instilled in me at a young age that I was the shit and could do anything I wanted, and that other peoples opinions didn’t matter. I started dancing when I was in 3rd grade and did that until 7th grade when I started to comprehend the financial burden it was putting on my family. At that time however I just moved from one preforming arts to another when I started theater. I was larger than any of my cast mates but that didn’t stop me from getting lead roles, and being cast in pretty much everything I auditioned for.

Once I got out of high school I pretty much stopped any sort of performing simply because the opportunity wasn’t really around. It wasn’t until I walked into a Pole Dance studio in 2011, the first dance studio I had visited in years had I noticed that somewhere along the way that I had began to fill very awkward in body. That however would not last long. I had no clue I had found what is now my Vertical Fusion Pole Family, I would have never guessed in a million years that my biggest support network would come from a bunch of scantily clad pole dancers, that they would be my biggest cheerleaders.  I would have never dreamed that Roxy Star would change my life with her foul mouth, red lipstick, and stripper heels. She took me from wishing I could perform burlesque to achieving a life long dream of being a Burlesque Artist.

Here is a promotional add for the next round of Roxy’s Sexylesque workshop featuring yours truly on the end.

Week after week she would drill into us that sexy comes in many shapes and sizes. That well we are here to work out and transform our bodies that you have to love them along the way. While I had removed the words I can’t from my vocabulary along time ago I had never realized how hard I was on myself, that I said some pretty harsh things to myself about my abilities. Then one class she said something that clicked and I will never forget it.

“Be kind to yourselves. If what you said in your head about yourself came out of the mouth of someone else you would punch a bitch in the face. So leave your inner bitch at the door”

Each week she would remind us to leave all of our bullshit, and inner bitches at the door. She would heartfeltly plead with us to try to make the feeling we experienced in class last as long as possibly afterwards even if it only lasted until the next morning. You know what happened? Eventually the inner bitch took a permanent vacation, no longer did I beat myself up for not perfecting something on the first try. This didn’t apply just to the dance studio but in all areas of my life.

I encourage everyone to take one of Roxy’s classes if you live in the Front Range or she’s ever in your area you will feel like you can conquer the world after. If you can’t make it to one of her classes you can at least take a page from her book and check your inner bitch (or asshole) at the door and be kind to yourself. That happiness is a choice, and even though you might have goals and improvements to make you can still be happy along the way.

“The winner of the hoop race will be the first to realize her dream, not society’s dream, her own personal dream.” – Barbara Bush

First and foremost who knew the most appropriate quote for this post would come from a Bush? As many people might know your insurance company wants you to jump through hoops, and put on a dog and pony show before they will approve you to go under the knife. I don’t blame them this is not something that should be entered into lightly. It is non-reversible and for the rest of your life. Which is more than we can say for some “life long” commitments society makes.

The surgeons office gives you a list of stuff with the things your insurance wants you to have circled in order to be considered for the surgery. Some of the things listed were lose x amount of pounds supervised, documentation of at least 5 years of obesity, documentations of 2 years of obesity, clearance from your cardiologist, documented weight loss attempts, your first born child, etc.

I have Cigna and so far they have only asked for the following before we submit my paperwork for approval:

• 3 months of supervised weight loss
• A letter of clearance from your primary care physician

If I hadn’t read countless stories about how Cigna likes to extend the song in dance I would be counting on having surgery in July. However perhaps it varies from policy to policy? The nice thing about the Colorado Bariatric Surgery Institute is that because they are located in a hospital St Lukes offers the nutritional classes (supervised weight loss), and counseling for free since you will be having the surgery there.  I have had once class so far and the following two will take place on 3/17 and 4/14 and they want you to lose 2 pounds between each class (I am averaging that every couple of weeks so that shouldn’t be a problem).

Once I have finished the three classes we can submit my packet to Cigna for approval. Unless they say they want another 3 months of supervised weight loss we are looking at a potential surgery date of July 18th. If I am approved it means July 4th would be the start of my two week liquid diet cleanse. If they end up coming back and wanting another three months it would mean we could resubmit the packet in July but I wouldn’t be able to schedule it until October or early December or so because work is insanely busy during the summer. If that ends up happening I might just wait until January when I can opt for the better insurance policy that would cover more of my hospital stay.

I wish we could submit it before hand so you know exactly what you’re up against.I would be interested to see how many people were initially told that by Cigna only to be told they want 6 months of weight loss when their packet is sent in.   I hate waiting games.

“You May Ask Yourself, where does that highway lead to? You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong? You may say to yourself my God, what have I done?”- David Byrne

When partaking on a path leading to bariatric surgery it causes you to deeply examine your past to find the trigger to such out of control weight gain. After all those who don’t learn from there mistakes are bound to repeat them right?

I quickly was able to rule out being an emotional eater. If anything when I am stressed or emotional I don’t want to eat at all most the time. The more I thought about the cause it really came down to the fact that I was never taught how to eat properly.  The majority of my family is overweight or obese. The learning tools were never set in place to show me how to make balanced decisions. From an early age we were allowed to eat whatever we wanted, and not just whatever but as much as we wanted. I get my sweet tooth from my dad. He always had bags of candy for us or some sort of tasty treat. My parents would allow me to eat super sized fast food multiple times a week (there was a period where McDonalds had buckets of fries and I ate them regularly). All without so much of a warning until it became too late.

Until about 4th grade I was rail thin and could get away with pounding pixie sticks, pop rocks, and Pepsi’s by the masses. My body was able to keep up with all the junk I ate until I hit puberty and then shit got real (I now know it’s likely that my PCOS was a large contributing factor as well). I remember being in 6th or 7th grade and coming out of the bathroom crying because I had gotten on the scale and it said 200 pounds. Around that time my mom had tried to make suggestions in not such carrying ways, which at the time just came off as bullying so I didn’t hear them. That day when she tried to tell me something about the diet I remember screaming at her about how hateful she was. She vowed never to say anything again and she didn’t.

It breaks my heart now when I see parents who let their kids eat mountains of sugar, or 4 cheeseburgers in one sitting. If only the struggles they were setting up for their children because they don’t want to be the bad guy. Well I can’t blame my parents entirely, I often wonder would I be in this boat had I been taught how important it is to not only be aware of what your putting in your body but about portions as well? It wasn’t until I joined Weight Watchers in the Spring of 2004 that my eyes were open to how to eat properly. However by then I was almost 280 pounds and well change was good it wasn’t ever enough to get me lower than 250.

Now a days I say the biggest factor in my recent weight gains have been mindless eating. When I tune out to what I am putting in my mouth it’s not that much changes in what I eat but moderation goes out the door. I get too busy and I just grab what’s easy, and then don’t pay attention to portions. I know one of my biggest struggles post op is going to be mindful eating. My challenge from the nutritionist this month is to eat mindfully. She wants us to chew everything 25-30 times and then stay connected with it when you swallow and see how far down you can feel it. I encourage everyone to try at least one meal this way, did you notice a difference in your satisfaction or consumption of that meal?