“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you going to love someone else?” – Rupaul

That’s right bitches I am quoting Rupaul. Well many people hate their bodies and the skin their in, I have never had that problem. The reasons for wanting to go under the knife stems from wanting to be healthy. The size I end up at doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy one. Even now at a weight that I find so alarming that I am taking drastic measures to change it I still start every day by dancing in my underwear before I get dressed. I still catch unexpected glances in the mirror where I think I look sexy, and I still perform burlesque.

My parent’s may have not taught me how to eat properly, but they instilled in me at a young age that I was the shit and could do anything I wanted, and that other peoples opinions didn’t matter. I started dancing when I was in 3rd grade and did that until 7th grade when I started to comprehend the financial burden it was putting on my family. At that time however I just moved from one preforming arts to another when I started theater. I was larger than any of my cast mates but that didn’t stop me from getting lead roles, and being cast in pretty much everything I auditioned for.

Once I got out of high school I pretty much stopped any sort of performing simply because the opportunity wasn’t really around. It wasn’t until I walked into a Pole Dance studio in 2011, the first dance studio I had visited in years had I noticed that somewhere along the way that I had began to fill very awkward in body. That however would not last long. I had no clue I had found what is now my Vertical Fusion Pole Family, I would have never guessed in a million years that my biggest support network would come from a bunch of scantily clad pole dancers, that they would be my biggest cheerleaders.  I would have never dreamed that Roxy Star would change my life with her foul mouth, red lipstick, and stripper heels. She took me from wishing I could perform burlesque to achieving a life long dream of being a Burlesque Artist.

Here is a promotional add for the next round of Roxy’s Sexylesque workshop featuring yours truly on the end.

Week after week she would drill into us that sexy comes in many shapes and sizes. That well we are here to work out and transform our bodies that you have to love them along the way. While I had removed the words I can’t from my vocabulary along time ago I had never realized how hard I was on myself, that I said some pretty harsh things to myself about my abilities. Then one class she said something that clicked and I will never forget it.

“Be kind to yourselves. If what you said in your head about yourself came out of the mouth of someone else you would punch a bitch in the face. So leave your inner bitch at the door”

Each week she would remind us to leave all of our bullshit, and inner bitches at the door. She would heartfeltly plead with us to try to make the feeling we experienced in class last as long as possibly afterwards even if it only lasted until the next morning. You know what happened? Eventually the inner bitch took a permanent vacation, no longer did I beat myself up for not perfecting something on the first try. This didn’t apply just to the dance studio but in all areas of my life.

I encourage everyone to take one of Roxy’s classes if you live in the Front Range or she’s ever in your area you will feel like you can conquer the world after. If you can’t make it to one of her classes you can at least take a page from her book and check your inner bitch (or asshole) at the door and be kind to yourself. That happiness is a choice, and even though you might have goals and improvements to make you can still be happy along the way.

“The winner of the hoop race will be the first to realize her dream, not society’s dream, her own personal dream.” – Barbara Bush

First and foremost who knew the most appropriate quote for this post would come from a Bush? As many people might know your insurance company wants you to jump through hoops, and put on a dog and pony show before they will approve you to go under the knife. I don’t blame them this is not something that should be entered into lightly. It is non-reversible and for the rest of your life. Which is more than we can say for some “life long” commitments society makes.

The surgeons office gives you a list of stuff with the things your insurance wants you to have circled in order to be considered for the surgery. Some of the things listed were lose x amount of pounds supervised, documentation of at least 5 years of obesity, documentations of 2 years of obesity, clearance from your cardiologist, documented weight loss attempts, your first born child, etc.

I have Cigna and so far they have only asked for the following before we submit my paperwork for approval:

• 3 months of supervised weight loss
• A letter of clearance from your primary care physician

If I hadn’t read countless stories about how Cigna likes to extend the song in dance I would be counting on having surgery in July. However perhaps it varies from policy to policy? The nice thing about the Colorado Bariatric Surgery Institute is that because they are located in a hospital St Lukes offers the nutritional classes (supervised weight loss), and counseling for free since you will be having the surgery there.  I have had once class so far and the following two will take place on 3/17 and 4/14 and they want you to lose 2 pounds between each class (I am averaging that every couple of weeks so that shouldn’t be a problem).

Once I have finished the three classes we can submit my packet to Cigna for approval. Unless they say they want another 3 months of supervised weight loss we are looking at a potential surgery date of July 18th. If I am approved it means July 4th would be the start of my two week liquid diet cleanse. If they end up coming back and wanting another three months it would mean we could resubmit the packet in July but I wouldn’t be able to schedule it until October or early December or so because work is insanely busy during the summer. If that ends up happening I might just wait until January when I can opt for the better insurance policy that would cover more of my hospital stay.

I wish we could submit it before hand so you know exactly what you’re up against.I would be interested to see how many people were initially told that by Cigna only to be told they want 6 months of weight loss when their packet is sent in.   I hate waiting games.

“You May Ask Yourself, where does that highway lead to? You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong? You may say to yourself my God, what have I done?”- David Byrne

When partaking on a path leading to bariatric surgery it causes you to deeply examine your past to find the trigger to such out of control weight gain. After all those who don’t learn from there mistakes are bound to repeat them right?

I quickly was able to rule out being an emotional eater. If anything when I am stressed or emotional I don’t want to eat at all most the time. The more I thought about the cause it really came down to the fact that I was never taught how to eat properly.  The majority of my family is overweight or obese. The learning tools were never set in place to show me how to make balanced decisions. From an early age we were allowed to eat whatever we wanted, and not just whatever but as much as we wanted. I get my sweet tooth from my dad. He always had bags of candy for us or some sort of tasty treat. My parents would allow me to eat super sized fast food multiple times a week (there was a period where McDonalds had buckets of fries and I ate them regularly). All without so much of a warning until it became too late.

Until about 4th grade I was rail thin and could get away with pounding pixie sticks, pop rocks, and Pepsi’s by the masses. My body was able to keep up with all the junk I ate until I hit puberty and then shit got real (I now know it’s likely that my PCOS was a large contributing factor as well). I remember being in 6th or 7th grade and coming out of the bathroom crying because I had gotten on the scale and it said 200 pounds. Around that time my mom had tried to make suggestions in not such carrying ways, which at the time just came off as bullying so I didn’t hear them. That day when she tried to tell me something about the diet I remember screaming at her about how hateful she was. She vowed never to say anything again and she didn’t.

It breaks my heart now when I see parents who let their kids eat mountains of sugar, or 4 cheeseburgers in one sitting. If only the struggles they were setting up for their children because they don’t want to be the bad guy. Well I can’t blame my parents entirely, I often wonder would I be in this boat had I been taught how important it is to not only be aware of what your putting in your body but about portions as well? It wasn’t until I joined Weight Watchers in the Spring of 2004 that my eyes were open to how to eat properly. However by then I was almost 280 pounds and well change was good it wasn’t ever enough to get me lower than 250.

Now a days I say the biggest factor in my recent weight gains have been mindless eating. When I tune out to what I am putting in my mouth it’s not that much changes in what I eat but moderation goes out the door. I get too busy and I just grab what’s easy, and then don’t pay attention to portions. I know one of my biggest struggles post op is going to be mindful eating. My challenge from the nutritionist this month is to eat mindfully. She wants us to chew everything 25-30 times and then stay connected with it when you swallow and see how far down you can feel it. I encourage everyone to try at least one meal this way, did you notice a difference in your satisfaction or consumption of that meal?

“When one approach is not working to reach a desired goal, that’s not a reason to abandon the goal. Instead, it’s time to devise another approach.” – Ralph Marston

My desired goal was set 10 years ago when I looked in the mirror and knew that my weight had become a serious issue. I was a senior in high school, I wore a size 18 pant, and weighed in around 275 – 280 pounds. Fast forward 10 years, countless diets, life style changes, workouts, and lost and gained pounds and I had a moment a couple of months ago where I made my mind up enough is enough.

One day at the end of December of 2013 while photographing my sisters fitness studio out of curiosity I decided I would step on the scale for the first time in months. No one was around, and I could tell my pants had gotten a little tight over the holidays so I figured what the hell lets take it for a spin? I was floored and heart broken when the scale read 313 pounds….313 POUNDS! I literally had to do a double take I knew I had put on some weight since September when I had been to the doctor (I weighed in at 285) but how could I have gain 28 pounds in 3 months? I knew drastic measures would need to be taken.

Back in 2011 I had a similar experience, my sister was out of town so I was house sitting for her and her scale was out. Again I jumped on it only to be shocked by the numbers when it said 295. I started looking into Gastric Bypass telling myself I would never see 300 pounds. After doing my initial rounds of research I was scared shitless and decided to take a half measure and bought a bike instead telling myself I was going to give it one more valiant effort. I started biking, I found Pole Dance and Burlesque, I started working with a trainer and over the course of the next 8 months got down to a fit 265 pounds (pole makes you gain muscle, and loose inches but not necessarily weight like crazy).

I had remained pretty active up until August of 2013 when my uterus and insomnia decided to rage war on me. I was crampy and exhausted and didn’t have energy for much. I went from doing 4 to 7 classes a week, to maybe one if I felt up to it. Finally in December I started feeling a bit better but by then apparently the damage had been done. All the work to maintain and loose was flushed down the toilet. In all honestly my highest weight had probably gotten between 5 and 10 pounds higher than the 313 I weighed in at on 12/30. I got on the scale because I felt like I had lost a little that month as my activities started to pick back up.

“I chose a half measure, when I should have gone all the way…I’ll never make that mistake again. No more half measures, Walter” – Mike Ehrmantraut Breaking Bad

I decided right there and then there will be no more half measures and I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss gastric bypass. After going over my medical history she diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) which makes it difficult to lose weight (It would explain why even when I eat well and exercise like crazy I don’t see a lot of results). She also said she thought that Gastric Bypass was a great idea since I have luckily escaped the majority of side effects that come along with obesity and am actually very healthy. She also gave me a referral to The Colorado Bariatric Surgery Institute so I could set up a consultation.

Some people might wonder if you’re so healthy why not loose it the old fashion way? I have given it a lot of effort over the last 10 years and am always able to loose between 30 and 50 pounds only to gain it all back and then some. I know I can maintain a healthy weight, but when you have 150 pounds to drop to get there sometimes you need some help. I am also doing it because you don’t see morbidly obese senior citizens, and as I creep closer to 30 I don’t want that birthday to be my half way point. Since December I have gotten down to 298.5 and ever pound has been a huge effort only confirming why I need this tool to help me. So the time is now.

Why blog this experience for all the world to see? I have decided to blog about it for a couple reasons. The first is to create accountability for myself. The other is because I am not so good at expressing myself in person. It never comes out the way I want, and I don’t easily share my feelings. Most the time if someone asks me how I feel I will say fine because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. This way I can keep those who are interested updated about what’s happening, and perhaps help others who are looking for a raw candid view of the process.

So if your reading this come along on my magical wild ride lol. Well this will mostly be about my Bariatric journey I am sure my photography, and dance life will spill on over,  my life is fantastic and beautiful which is why I want to be around for it until I am old and gray.